Who am I to you?

Am I anything at all…To you?

Do I mean something to you…Or not?

I haven’t heard from you in so long…

So it’s safe to assume that you forgot…

 

Sometimes I really want to hate you…

Like now, I’m nearly there…

It eats me up from inside…

To know how little you care…

 

You’d be fine if we never meet,

Again…

And I’ll be dying from the very thought of it…

And the pain…

 

You used to like the attention…

You used to like being adored…

But somewhere down the line…

I guess you got a little bored…

 

While I struggle with these feelings…

And try to think straight…

You’re probably thinking of someone else…

Or out on a date…

 

Who am I to you?

The answer is not one I want to hear…

But to you I’m nothing…

That’s the only thing that’s clear…

 

 

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The Other Woman – Part 3

For Part 1 – Click Here

For Part 2 – Click here


It started off with her snooping around my Instagram feed. Yeah, I wasn’t dumb – I could figure out that she’d viewed a couple of my stories.

A part of me panicked, the other part wanted to warn him. And yet – another part felt smug about it.

Yeah, I stole your man. Well at least the part of him that wasn’t yours – that could never be yours because it was mine.

I know I sound crazy. But if you’ve ever loved two people at the same time you will understand what I mean.


Then to my horror, I saw her at this coffee shop one day out of the blue. I used to go there every weekend in the morning for my daily fix of cappuccino and there she was. I’d never seen her there before. The shop was at least 8 miles away from where she lived so I had a bad feeling about this. Luckily I spotted her right when I was entering the shop. I did a quick U turn and left.

I thought a lot and then I called his office from a pay phone.

‘Yeah?’

‘It’s me.’

There was silence and then ‘Sadie. We agreed not to..’

I interrupted him. ‘She was at the coffee shop. She knows, doesn’t she?’

‘Let’s meet. 6 o’clock.’

I put the phone down and sighed. This was bad.


‘She doesn’t know much. She found your picture – asked me about it.’ He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept.

‘Picture?’ Didn’t we have a no photo policy?

‘Yeah, I know but I’d kept one of your photos…just a random one nothing shady   on my phone and she was snooping and she came across it. Asked me a ton of questions. I told her we were friends, we had met at a few social events a couple of years ago and that’s it.’

I asked him for the photo and sighed. He’d downloaded one from my Facebook where I was sitting in the same God – Damn coffee shop. Goodbye Jenna’s Coffee Shop – I’d have to find a new place.

He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. ‘Don’t worry. I won’t ever let anything happen to you. You are safe. Things between us are rocky and that’s why she’s getting paranoid.’

I looked at him. ‘Ted. Are there any others?’

He looked at me and then looked away, his face impassive. ‘Do you really want to know?’


That night we made love for the last time. He knew it. I knew it. We just didn’t acknowledge it.

I was a fool. In the end…to him, I was just another woman in his list of conquests. I didn’t need any answers. I knew him well enough and I’d had my doubts in the past. I was a fool to feel hurt about it.

My phone buzzed. It was my first text message from him since we’d started our affair.

‘You were special. You meant something. You weren’t just anybody for me. Maybe we will cross paths someday down the line. In a way I loved you. You were more than just the other woman, that’s what you like calling yourself. You are much more.’

I smiled a tearful smile and drove away.


 

The end.

 

The Other Woman – Part 2

For Part 1 – Click Here.


You know, you can’t love two people with all of your heart. It isn’t possible. You can give people a bit of your heart – just a little bit – enough to let them know you love them and you care but not enough that it would hurt or shatter you.

I guess being a mother is one of the few cases of unconditional love. Where you can love someone so much that it hurts.

But I wasn’t a mom. And nor was I going to be. I was separated from my soon to be ex – husband, both of us were too afraid to take the final step and make it official but for the last year, we’d met just twice and that too because he wanted some stuff that he had left behind.

And the other man in my life, well – I knew he loved me. Let’s call him Ted. In his own way. Without saying anything. He’d apparently fallen in love with me the first time he’d seen me on the flight. We were co – passengers. And the rest is history.

At first, it wasn’t difficult.

The affair.

It started off as a one time thing only but the spark was so strong that he kept on coming back to me. My lonely little heart, which craved for intimacy couldn’t refuse. He wasn’t married when we had met. He was now, but it didn’t change anything…we met…we hung out and talked about anything and everything…in his arms I felt liberated and free. Ecstasy.

Once in a while, he would accidentally let something slip about his wife. He would continue to talk, trying to ignore the silence that her name would bring about. It took everything in me not to cringe outwardly. Sometimes I would.

I don’t know why I got jealous. Or was I guilty? Maybe a bit of both. It was easier to pretend she didn’t exist. I knew it was stupid of me to feel this way but I did. I didn’t want him to think of her when he was with me. I wanted him to breathe in my scent, feel my skin, hear my whispers and dream about me…at least for those few hours.

Ah, I was…I am a fool.

I didn’t see a life with him. He wasn’t the type of man I could spend my life with forever. Our little arrangement suited me well.

But whenever he took her name…I knew, I was the other woman.


 

To be continued…..

The Other Woman – Part 1

This is a work of fiction.


 

I woke up alone in bed. Again.

For being such a light sleeper I wondered and resentfully applauded his ability to sneak away without a sound. Two years of sneaking around in motel rooms and the back seat of his van. Two years! I did the math. We met once every three months for a couple of days. . . so yes, our affair was a solid one.

Affair.

That word should have left a sour taste in my mouth but it didn’t.

I should feel guilty but I didn’t. I never believed in what society thought relationships should be like anyway. Human beings weren’t wired to be with only one person forever. They were just good at pretending that they were okay with it.

Affair.

It wasn’t like I loved him or anything. It was more like a craving. You know the feeling, when you go on a crash diet and suddenly smell pizza? Yeah, bye bye crash diet. That’s how I felt when I thought about him. He was tastier than a piece of dessert at the most expensive restaurant in your city.  I was okay when he wasn’t around me. I never initiated any conversations or plans, I let him take the lead…because I didn’t want to let on how much I wanted him.

Affair.

I put his pillow next to me and sighed. His scent was everywhere…on the pillow, the sheets, on me and my t-shirt.

Affair.

I knew I should get up and get ready to go to work. But I couldn’t.

Today was different.

For the first time he’d slept over at my place…for the first time he had stayed till morning came. He’d left without saying goodbye but I didn’t mind. I knew it made it easier for both of us to walk away without getting emotional.

Otherwise we would feel tempted to cuddle and discuss any feelings that might be suppressed in our heads and hearts and that would be disastrous for our relationships.

I didn’t feel like getting up…so I decided to stay there for a bit.

In a long time…I decided to let myself think about him… about us and the time we’d spent together.

Because for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like I was the other woman.


To be continued….

The Inner Critic

It’s like an unwelcome guest…

This voice in my head…

Always whispering to me the whole day…

And even when I go to bed…

You are worthless, 

You are no good,

You’ll always be alone,

God! It makes me feel so misunderstood…

It makes sure I don’t eat much…

It makes sure I don’t sleep…

And when I feel like I’m finally going to be happy…

Up on me – it suddenly will creep…

Talking doesn’t help,

Medicines make my head foggy…

I want this voice to vanish…

Stop haunting my dreams, making me feel all groggy…

I realize it has to stop…

I have to drown out this voice…

With a louder, chirpier, happier one…

A voice of my choice…

You’re doing great!

You’ll be just fine…

You are loved and appreciated…

I feed myself happy lines…

Drowning out the inner critic…

The demon inside…

Acknowledging life isn’t so bad…

It’s time to live it, no need to hide.


Dedicated to a friend of mine who has been going through a rough time. It is about time we recognize that a lot of people around us are depressed – and that it is quite likely that we will be depressed at least once in our lives. Mental health is very important – do not neglect it and do not beat yourself over small things. Life isn’t meant to be perfect. It is a journey – enjoy the highs and get some support during the lows. Learn to take care of yourself and if you can’t – its okay to ask for help.

Love,

Ladyhawk

 

 

When its time for you to go

Misty eyes on a cold morning,

Memories flood in without a warning….

Of a better time…

When I didn’t give a dime…

Or worry about what the future would hold…

Of the weight of responsibilities when you grow old…

I walked through the park, sat on the swing…

Back then, life was good when you didn’t have to worry about a thing…

Your parents kept you safe and sound…

Your heart, body and little soul since they were always around…

Someone to lean on, someone to trust…

Someone who cared and over you, fussed…

As you grow old, with each passing year…

Your heart becomes a bit colder with each passing tear…

You see others for what they are…

You want to change, you try to raise the bar…

But deep down inside you already know…

You’ll be all alone when its time for you to go…

 

 

 

 

Farewell, My Friend

Farewell my friend,

It’s too late to make amends…

I can’t be the one to always stretch my hand…

Your silence is now too hard to withstand!

Farewell, I wish you well…

I know you don’t care, as far as I can tell…

But someday you will think of me…

I’ll pop into you head…You’ll see…

I wonder then, what you will feel…

In those few moments of your life that my memory will steal?

My laughter, how I always felt like home?

The way I turned everything into a poem?

Coffee, old monk on the rocks?

Movies and senseless talks?

A confidant, a friend in need?

Someone who inspired you to write and read?

Whatever I was, I tried my best…

Thought we’d be friends till the end..But you left like a guest…

So farewell my friend, this is goodbye…

I give up, no longer will I try.

 

…………

 

 

 

 

Mad Love

From the moment that I lay eyes on you…

You made my heart flutter!

Goodbye confidence, good bye common sense!

I never knew that I was capable of a stutter…

Your eyes were full of mischief…

Your smiled because you knew…

When you asked me for a dance, took my hand in yours…

I was already on the way to falling for you!

You were everything I wanted…

I thought of you day and night…

At times I thought my heart would burst…

Yes indeed, such was my plight.

I would melt in your arms…

Like clay…

Perfectly content to be there…

All day…

And when we were apart…

I’d pine for when we would meet next…

I could feel the pain in my chest…

Till I’d see your ‘I’m back!’ text…

Love like that…sets you on fire…

Makes you silly, forget all reason…

You are lucky if you have it for life…

Or even a season…


If you’ve never felt like you’ve been hit by lightening then you have missed out.

Peace out,

Ladyhawk


 

 

 

 

 

 

Hold On

Life is a mountain…

The goal is its tip….

But circumstances make it difficult…

For me to get it in my grip.

I’ve been through so much…

So much it astounds me…

Resilience is a trait…

I never knew I had inside me.

Till I sat down one day…

Thought real hard …

Made a list of all that I’d overcome…

By stretching an extra yard.

Why should I care?

Of what other’s think or feel?

Only I know what I have been through…

Not once, did I ever kneel.

So hold your head up high…

Paste a smile on your face…

Be a little kind to yourself…

And thank God every time you say grace.

You have a lot of good inside you…

That you sometimes forget…

So I’m here to remind you…

To never regret!!

For the pain you have been through…

And the bad luck that others have brought you…

Just be thankful to be alive…

And for what life has taught you!

 


 

It’s never too late people. It is never too late.

Peace out,

Ladyhawk

 

Don’t

As you grow older…

You’ll realize that blood is thicker than water…

And for other people,

You really don’t matter.

This road is lonesome….

This road is tough….

You got to be a little heartless,

You got to be a little rough.

Don’t show them your soft side…

Don’t show them that you are kind…

‘Cos in the end you’ll be left alone,

No friendly face to find….

Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve…

Don’t love too freely…

‘Cos people only know how to take,

Yes – people are greedy!

Don’t be too quiet…

When they hurt your feelings!

Don’t be a pushover…

Or they will leave you reeling.

Be your own hero…

Inspire yourself, be your own best friend…

‘Cos you are all that you have…

Till the every end.