I want to…

Someday,

I want to…

I want to write a book…

About love…an ‘eternal’ love story…

I may even throw in a crook…

And make the readers hate him…

Berate him…

I want to write from my heart…

And make you feel the way it does…

When the lovers in question are apart…

I want to make you writhe…

In agony and pain…

I want my words to make you ask…

The author to show some restraint…

Someday I want to…

I really want to write something that will touch your soul…

And if it makes you wistful and sentimental…

I would have achieved my goal…

Someday, I really want to!

 

 

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Malady – Part 3

For Part 1 – Click Here.

For Part 2 – Click Here.


The last couple of weeks had been awful.

I’d been on dates with 3 different men. All of them were nice and sweet and not afraid of being vulnerable and….hey…they were not like you.

That was good, right? RIGHT?

I’d gone for my dance lesson today. Have you ever tried to learn how to waltz? I was always an old soul, a lover of things from the past…there was something in me that loved this particular dance form…the feeling of being relaxed and at ease…not the awful twerking stuff that was trending these days…

My partner, till today, was an old gentleman in his 70’s..today he wasn’t there and this guy called Andy took his place…time flew by and I didn’t even realize what was happening till I found both of us breathing heavily, staring into each other’s eyes once the music faded away.

Then I saw this peculiar light in Andy’s eyes and I felt a little uneasy. I knew that light. He liked me. He offered to walk me home, but I declined. He hid his disappointment well and said he hoped to see me next week.

I walked home in a daze and opened my cupboard. There it was hanging, the beautiful black dress that I had brought to celebrate our anniversary. I took it out and tried it on.

To my dismay I didn’t like it anymore. It fit well, the black color made my pale skin almost shine – just the way you liked it.

But I no longer liked it. I could smell Andy’s perfume on me. I liked that.

And as tears streamed down my face I realized that I no longer liked you. That scared me. I’d been so engrossed in missing you that I didn’t know what to do when I was finally done doing it. It sucked because it meant it was truly over.

I removed the dress and threw it in the trash can.

I couldn’t believe it, but I was over this malady.

 

 

Malady – Part 2

For Part 1 – Click here


I have to say, don’t ever love so intensely or so deeply that it consumes you. If it is consuming you, it is probably BAD for you. Let me spell it out again – B.A.D.

My friends envied me when they saw him. And us.

Apparently the sparks were so strong you could see them from a mile off.

You know how that feeling is like, right?

We could be in a room full of people and whenever our eyes would meet, for that one brief second it was as if we were alone. Yes, it sounds silly but trust me – it was exactly like this.

I had to forcefully tear my gaze off you. I had to stop being jealous of everyone you spoke to or smiled at.

We’d sneak away and exchange kisses in a corner where we thought no one was watching and giggle, like two naughty teenagers. You’d deliberately slather me with red wine and laugh when my cheeks would turn red with all the excitement.


To my horror, I realized I was smiling at all of these memories.

I’d promised myself that I would not think about it but the brain is a funny organ. A sadist. It will never do what it promises to. So every day, for a couple of minutes I would allow myself to reminisce and then, for the rest of the day I would be on auto – pilot – keeping myself super busy and occupied.

But what had taken a hit most of all was my self esteem. You know what I mean. There you are – happy and content. Not looking for anyone and anything.

Wham!

Someone comes in your life, leaves a mess behind and makes you wonder –

‘What did I lack? Wasn’t I pretty enough? Was I boring? Was I not successful enough?’

And the worst of all: ‘Didn’t I deserve the respect of being offered an explanation?’

But I knew, deep inside that time…..a lot of time would be the best cure for this malady. Only, it wasn’t working.


To be continued…………..

 

 

 

Malady – Part 1

Disclaimers first – this is a work of fiction.

 


 

I lay in my bed for a long, long time.

I did not know the difference between day and night.

My eyes would open when they were tired of being shut.

And they shut when they hurt from all the crying.

I heard the sound of a siren and jumped out of my skin. I rushed from my bed to the window, my heart hoping it was you. It had to be. HAD TO BE.

The police car whizzed by in a blur, just the way you did.


You are beautiful….I can’t believe this.’

I could remember that night so clearly, the night when I realized that I was gone. Gone – man – GONE!

You ran your hands through my hair and kissed me, murmuring sweet nothings into my ear. My flimsy satin dress was flying up and there I was, holding on to it with both hands to keep it down while you devoured my lips like a hungry beast.


I was sitting on the edge of the window of your hotel’s balcony – we were so high up that I could barely see the ground. I should have been scared but I wasn’t.

No, with you I could be wild, impulsive and free.

You sat down next to me and we kissed for what felt like hours, your hands holding me tight. Your big, manly hands which made me feel so safe.

I could feel my heart racing, so could you…for you placed your hand on my chest and laughed mockingly at how fast it was pounding.

We looked into each other’s eyes…a rare intimate moment…the intensity was so sizzling I couldn’t bear it.

I traced my fingers around your jawline…around your scar which you proudly claimed was won during a nasty knife fight with a felon. You thought it was ugly but I loved it. I loved that smile that you had but it made me feel afraid. It was a smile of victory for you knew you’d conquered me and it scared the shit out of me.

But you had managed to break through all my walls…and the feeling of being so vulnerable made me giddy.

When I felt your lips on my neck I knew I was in trouble.


Trouble all right.

I shook my head, forcibly stopping myself from reminiscing.

I wish now, I could find a way to fight this malady…

 

To be continued……………

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who am I to you?

Am I anything at all…To you?

Do I mean something to you…Or not?

I haven’t heard from you in so long…

So it’s safe to assume that you forgot…

 

Sometimes I really want to hate you…

Like now, I’m nearly there…

It eats me up from inside…

To know how little you care…

 

You’d be fine if we never meet,

Again…

And I’ll be dying from the very thought of it…

And the pain…

 

You used to like the attention…

You used to like being adored…

But somewhere down the line…

I guess you got a little bored…

 

While I struggle with these feelings…

And try to think straight…

You’re probably thinking of someone else…

Or out on a date…

 

Who am I to you?

The answer is not one I want to hear…

But to you I’m nothing…

That’s the only thing that’s clear…

 

 

The Other Woman – Part 3

For Part 1 – Click Here

For Part 2 – Click here


It started off with her snooping around my Instagram feed. Yeah, I wasn’t dumb – I could figure out that she’d viewed a couple of my stories.

A part of me panicked, the other part wanted to warn him. And yet – another part felt smug about it.

Yeah, I stole your man. Well at least the part of him that wasn’t yours – that could never be yours because it was mine.

I know I sound crazy. But if you’ve ever loved two people at the same time you will understand what I mean.


Then to my horror, I saw her at this coffee shop one day out of the blue. I used to go there every weekend in the morning for my daily fix of cappuccino and there she was. I’d never seen her there before. The shop was at least 8 miles away from where she lived so I had a bad feeling about this. Luckily I spotted her right when I was entering the shop. I did a quick U turn and left.

I thought a lot and then I called his office from a pay phone.

‘Yeah?’

‘It’s me.’

There was silence and then ‘Sadie. We agreed not to..’

I interrupted him. ‘She was at the coffee shop. She knows, doesn’t she?’

‘Let’s meet. 6 o’clock.’

I put the phone down and sighed. This was bad.


‘She doesn’t know much. She found your picture – asked me about it.’ He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept.

‘Picture?’ Didn’t we have a no photo policy?

‘Yeah, I know but I’d kept one of your photos…just a random one nothing shady   on my phone and she was snooping and she came across it. Asked me a ton of questions. I told her we were friends, we had met at a few social events a couple of years ago and that’s it.’

I asked him for the photo and sighed. He’d downloaded one from my Facebook where I was sitting in the same God – Damn coffee shop. Goodbye Jenna’s Coffee Shop – I’d have to find a new place.

He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. ‘Don’t worry. I won’t ever let anything happen to you. You are safe. Things between us are rocky and that’s why she’s getting paranoid.’

I looked at him. ‘Ted. Are there any others?’

He looked at me and then looked away, his face impassive. ‘Do you really want to know?’


That night we made love for the last time. He knew it. I knew it. We just didn’t acknowledge it.

I was a fool. In the end…to him, I was just another woman in his list of conquests. I didn’t need any answers. I knew him well enough and I’d had my doubts in the past. I was a fool to feel hurt about it.

My phone buzzed. It was my first text message from him since we’d started our affair.

‘You were special. You meant something. You weren’t just anybody for me. Maybe we will cross paths someday down the line. In a way I loved you. You were more than just the other woman, that’s what you like calling yourself. You are much more.’

I smiled a tearful smile and drove away.


 

The end.

 

The Other Woman – Part 2

For Part 1 – Click Here.


You know, you can’t love two people with all of your heart. It isn’t possible. You can give people a bit of your heart – just a little bit – enough to let them know you love them and you care but not enough that it would hurt or shatter you.

I guess being a mother is one of the few cases of unconditional love. Where you can love someone so much that it hurts.

But I wasn’t a mom. And nor was I going to be. I was separated from my soon to be ex – husband, both of us were too afraid to take the final step and make it official but for the last year, we’d met just twice and that too because he wanted some stuff that he had left behind.

And the other man in my life, well – I knew he loved me. Let’s call him Ted. In his own way. Without saying anything. He’d apparently fallen in love with me the first time he’d seen me on the flight. We were co – passengers. And the rest is history.

At first, it wasn’t difficult.

The affair.

It started off as a one time thing only but the spark was so strong that he kept on coming back to me. My lonely little heart, which craved for intimacy couldn’t refuse. He wasn’t married when we had met. He was now, but it didn’t change anything…we met…we hung out and talked about anything and everything…in his arms I felt liberated and free. Ecstasy.

Once in a while, he would accidentally let something slip about his wife. He would continue to talk, trying to ignore the silence that her name would bring about. It took everything in me not to cringe outwardly. Sometimes I would.

I don’t know why I got jealous. Or was I guilty? Maybe a bit of both. It was easier to pretend she didn’t exist. I knew it was stupid of me to feel this way but I did. I didn’t want him to think of her when he was with me. I wanted him to breathe in my scent, feel my skin, hear my whispers and dream about me…at least for those few hours.

Ah, I was…I am a fool.

I didn’t see a life with him. He wasn’t the type of man I could spend my life with forever. Our little arrangement suited me well.

But whenever he took her name…I knew, I was the other woman.


 

To be continued…..

The Other Woman – Part 1

This is a work of fiction.


 

I woke up alone in bed. Again.

For being such a light sleeper I wondered and resentfully applauded his ability to sneak away without a sound. Two years of sneaking around in motel rooms and the back seat of his van. Two years! I did the math. We met once every three months for a couple of days. . . so yes, our affair was a solid one.

Affair.

That word should have left a sour taste in my mouth but it didn’t.

I should feel guilty but I didn’t. I never believed in what society thought relationships should be like anyway. Human beings weren’t wired to be with only one person forever. They were just good at pretending that they were okay with it.

Affair.

It wasn’t like I loved him or anything. It was more like a craving. You know the feeling, when you go on a crash diet and suddenly smell pizza? Yeah, bye bye crash diet. That’s how I felt when I thought about him. He was tastier than a piece of dessert at the most expensive restaurant in your city.  I was okay when he wasn’t around me. I never initiated any conversations or plans, I let him take the lead…because I didn’t want to let on how much I wanted him.

Affair.

I put his pillow next to me and sighed. His scent was everywhere…on the pillow, the sheets, on me and my t-shirt.

Affair.

I knew I should get up and get ready to go to work. But I couldn’t.

Today was different.

For the first time he’d slept over at my place…for the first time he had stayed till morning came. He’d left without saying goodbye but I didn’t mind. I knew it made it easier for both of us to walk away without getting emotional.

Otherwise we would feel tempted to cuddle and discuss any feelings that might be suppressed in our heads and hearts and that would be disastrous for our relationships.

I didn’t feel like getting up…so I decided to stay there for a bit.

In a long time…I decided to let myself think about him… about us and the time we’d spent together.

Because for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like I was the other woman.


To be continued….

The Inner Critic

It’s like an unwelcome guest…

This voice in my head…

Always whispering to me the whole day…

And even when I go to bed…

You are worthless, 

You are no good,

You’ll always be alone,

God! It makes me feel so misunderstood…

It makes sure I don’t eat much…

It makes sure I don’t sleep…

And when I feel like I’m finally going to be happy…

Up on me – it suddenly will creep…

Talking doesn’t help,

Medicines make my head foggy…

I want this voice to vanish…

Stop haunting my dreams, making me feel all groggy…

I realize it has to stop…

I have to drown out this voice…

With a louder, chirpier, happier one…

A voice of my choice…

You’re doing great!

You’ll be just fine…

You are loved and appreciated…

I feed myself happy lines…

Drowning out the inner critic…

The demon inside…

Acknowledging life isn’t so bad…

It’s time to live it, no need to hide.


Dedicated to a friend of mine who has been going through a rough time. It is about time we recognize that a lot of people around us are depressed – and that it is quite likely that we will be depressed at least once in our lives. Mental health is very important – do not neglect it and do not beat yourself over small things. Life isn’t meant to be perfect. It is a journey – enjoy the highs and get some support during the lows. Learn to take care of yourself and if you can’t – its okay to ask for help.

Love,

Ladyhawk

 

 

When its time for you to go

Misty eyes on a cold morning,

Memories flood in without a warning….

Of a better time…

When I didn’t give a dime…

Or worry about what the future would hold…

Of the weight of responsibilities when you grow old…

I walked through the park, sat on the swing…

Back then, life was good when you didn’t have to worry about a thing…

Your parents kept you safe and sound…

Your heart, body and little soul since they were always around…

Someone to lean on, someone to trust…

Someone who cared and over you, fussed…

As you grow old, with each passing year…

Your heart becomes a bit colder with each passing tear…

You see others for what they are…

You want to change, you try to raise the bar…

But deep down inside you already know…

You’ll be all alone when its time for you to go…