The Girl I Loved – Part 1

This is a work of fiction.


I clearly remember the first time I met Jennie. Right now…it feels like a dream because it happened many years ago but it was real. At least I thought it was. We barely spoke but I couldn’t help feeling like I knew her from before. Plus she had beautiful, long blonde hair which amplified her beauty and I was a sucker for women who liked to take care of themselves.

I’d asked my friend Sherrie to set me up with someone and surprisingly enough – Jennie was available. Anyway Jennie had no clue about the set up…I decided to keep it to myself since I was in the process of getting over a nasty break up. Plus I was in town for a few weeks and it wasn’t enough to sustain a new relationship.

Man…I guess you could say I was full of excuses.

I pursued her doggedly – grabbing whatever opportunity I could get to spend time with her. . . taking her for bike rides, picnics at the beach and drinking wine at her favorite places.

We met a couple of time and nothing happened. Or rather, I didn’t really push her too much…I was happy meeting her and hanging out with her whenever we could…I didn’t make a move because I felt she was out of my league…or maybe I was scared to be vulnerable.

Manly men like me are conditioned to be gruff and tough. I wanted to show her more of me…what lay inside my heart but I guess I didn’t know how to do it.

Till something happened. Imagine my surprise when one day while saying good bye after a particularly nice date she demanded – literally demanded that I should kiss her.

That kiss changed everything. It was one of the most memorable nights of my life.

Till I fucked up.


To be continued…..

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I want to…

Someday,

I want to…

I want to write a book…

About love…an ‘eternal’ love story…

I may even throw in a crook…

And make the readers hate him…

Berate him…

I want to write from my heart…

And make you feel the way it does…

When the lovers in question are apart…

I want to make you writhe…

In agony and pain…

I want my words to make you ask…

The author to show some restraint…

Someday I want to…

I really want to write something that will touch your soul…

And if it makes you wistful and sentimental…

I would have achieved my goal…

Someday, I really want to!

 

 

Malady – Part 3

For Part 1 – Click Here.

For Part 2 – Click Here.


The last couple of weeks had been awful.

I’d been on dates with 3 different men. All of them were nice and sweet and not afraid of being vulnerable and….hey…they were not like you.

That was good, right? RIGHT?

I’d gone for my dance lesson today. Have you ever tried to learn how to waltz? I was always an old soul, a lover of things from the past…there was something in me that loved this particular dance form…the feeling of being relaxed and at ease…not the awful twerking stuff that was trending these days…

My partner, till today, was an old gentleman in his 70’s..today he wasn’t there and this guy called Andy took his place…time flew by and I didn’t even realize what was happening till I found both of us breathing heavily, staring into each other’s eyes once the music faded away.

Then I saw this peculiar light in Andy’s eyes and I felt a little uneasy. I knew that light. He liked me. He offered to walk me home, but I declined. He hid his disappointment well and said he hoped to see me next week.

I walked home in a daze and opened my cupboard. There it was hanging, the beautiful black dress that I had brought to celebrate our anniversary. I took it out and tried it on.

To my dismay I didn’t like it anymore. It fit well, the black color made my pale skin almost shine – just the way you liked it.

But I no longer liked it. I could smell Andy’s perfume on me. I liked that.

And as tears streamed down my face I realized that I no longer liked you. That scared me. I’d been so engrossed in missing you that I didn’t know what to do when I was finally done doing it. It sucked because it meant it was truly over.

I removed the dress and threw it in the trash can.

I couldn’t believe it, but I was over this malady.

 

 

Malady – Part 1

Disclaimers first – this is a work of fiction.

 


 

I lay in my bed for a long, long time.

I did not know the difference between day and night.

My eyes would open when they were tired of being shut.

And they shut when they hurt from all the crying.

I heard the sound of a siren and jumped out of my skin. I rushed from my bed to the window, my heart hoping it was you. It had to be. HAD TO BE.

The police car whizzed by in a blur, just the way you did.


You are beautiful….I can’t believe this.’

I could remember that night so clearly, the night when I realized that I was gone. Gone – man – GONE!

You ran your hands through my hair and kissed me, murmuring sweet nothings into my ear. My flimsy satin dress was flying up and there I was, holding on to it with both hands to keep it down while you devoured my lips like a hungry beast.


I was sitting on the edge of the window of your hotel’s balcony – we were so high up that I could barely see the ground. I should have been scared but I wasn’t.

No, with you I could be wild, impulsive and free.

You sat down next to me and we kissed for what felt like hours, your hands holding me tight. Your big, manly hands which made me feel so safe.

I could feel my heart racing, so could you…for you placed your hand on my chest and laughed mockingly at how fast it was pounding.

We looked into each other’s eyes…a rare intimate moment…the intensity was so sizzling I couldn’t bear it.

I traced my fingers around your jawline…around your scar which you proudly claimed was won during a nasty knife fight with a felon. You thought it was ugly but I loved it. I loved that smile that you had but it made me feel afraid. It was a smile of victory for you knew you’d conquered me and it scared the shit out of me.

But you had managed to break through all my walls…and the feeling of being so vulnerable made me giddy.

When I felt your lips on my neck I knew I was in trouble.


Trouble all right.

I shook my head, forcibly stopping myself from reminiscing.

I wish now, I could find a way to fight this malady…

 

To be continued……………

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Other Woman – Part 2

For Part 1 – Click Here.


You know, you can’t love two people with all of your heart. It isn’t possible. You can give people a bit of your heart – just a little bit – enough to let them know you love them and you care but not enough that it would hurt or shatter you.

I guess being a mother is one of the few cases of unconditional love. Where you can love someone so much that it hurts.

But I wasn’t a mom. And nor was I going to be. I was separated from my soon to be ex – husband, both of us were too afraid to take the final step and make it official but for the last year, we’d met just twice and that too because he wanted some stuff that he had left behind.

And the other man in my life, well – I knew he loved me. Let’s call him Ted. In his own way. Without saying anything. He’d apparently fallen in love with me the first time he’d seen me on the flight. We were co – passengers. And the rest is history.

At first, it wasn’t difficult.

The affair.

It started off as a one time thing only but the spark was so strong that he kept on coming back to me. My lonely little heart, which craved for intimacy couldn’t refuse. He wasn’t married when we had met. He was now, but it didn’t change anything…we met…we hung out and talked about anything and everything…in his arms I felt liberated and free. Ecstasy.

Once in a while, he would accidentally let something slip about his wife. He would continue to talk, trying to ignore the silence that her name would bring about. It took everything in me not to cringe outwardly. Sometimes I would.

I don’t know why I got jealous. Or was I guilty? Maybe a bit of both. It was easier to pretend she didn’t exist. I knew it was stupid of me to feel this way but I did. I didn’t want him to think of her when he was with me. I wanted him to breathe in my scent, feel my skin, hear my whispers and dream about me…at least for those few hours.

Ah, I was…I am a fool.

I didn’t see a life with him. He wasn’t the type of man I could spend my life with forever. Our little arrangement suited me well.

But whenever he took her name…I knew, I was the other woman.


 

To be continued…..

The Other Woman – Part 1

This is a work of fiction.


 

I woke up alone in bed. Again.

For being such a light sleeper I wondered and resentfully applauded his ability to sneak away without a sound. Two years of sneaking around in motel rooms and the back seat of his van. Two years! I did the math. We met once every three months for a couple of days. . . so yes, our affair was a solid one.

Affair.

That word should have left a sour taste in my mouth but it didn’t.

I should feel guilty but I didn’t. I never believed in what society thought relationships should be like anyway. Human beings weren’t wired to be with only one person forever. They were just good at pretending that they were okay with it.

Affair.

It wasn’t like I loved him or anything. It was more like a craving. You know the feeling, when you go on a crash diet and suddenly smell pizza? Yeah, bye bye crash diet. That’s how I felt when I thought about him. He was tastier than a piece of dessert at the most expensive restaurant in your city.  I was okay when he wasn’t around me. I never initiated any conversations or plans, I let him take the lead…because I didn’t want to let on how much I wanted him.

Affair.

I put his pillow next to me and sighed. His scent was everywhere…on the pillow, the sheets, on me and my t-shirt.

Affair.

I knew I should get up and get ready to go to work. But I couldn’t.

Today was different.

For the first time he’d slept over at my place…for the first time he had stayed till morning came. He’d left without saying goodbye but I didn’t mind. I knew it made it easier for both of us to walk away without getting emotional.

Otherwise we would feel tempted to cuddle and discuss any feelings that might be suppressed in our heads and hearts and that would be disastrous for our relationships.

I didn’t feel like getting up…so I decided to stay there for a bit.

In a long time…I decided to let myself think about him… about us and the time we’d spent together.

Because for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like I was the other woman.


To be continued….

The Inner Critic

It’s like an unwelcome guest…

This voice in my head…

Always whispering to me the whole day…

And even when I go to bed…

You are worthless, 

You are no good,

You’ll always be alone,

God! It makes me feel so misunderstood…

It makes sure I don’t eat much…

It makes sure I don’t sleep…

And when I feel like I’m finally going to be happy…

Up on me – it suddenly will creep…

Talking doesn’t help,

Medicines make my head foggy…

I want this voice to vanish…

Stop haunting my dreams, making me feel all groggy…

I realize it has to stop…

I have to drown out this voice…

With a louder, chirpier, happier one…

A voice of my choice…

You’re doing great!

You’ll be just fine…

You are loved and appreciated…

I feed myself happy lines…

Drowning out the inner critic…

The demon inside…

Acknowledging life isn’t so bad…

It’s time to live it, no need to hide.


Dedicated to a friend of mine who has been going through a rough time. It is about time we recognize that a lot of people around us are depressed – and that it is quite likely that we will be depressed at least once in our lives. Mental health is very important – do not neglect it and do not beat yourself over small things. Life isn’t meant to be perfect. It is a journey – enjoy the highs and get some support during the lows. Learn to take care of yourself and if you can’t – its okay to ask for help.

Love,

Ladyhawk

 

 

Mad Love

From the moment that I lay eyes on you…

You made my heart flutter!

Goodbye confidence, good bye common sense!

I never knew that I was capable of a stutter…

Your eyes were full of mischief…

Your smiled because you knew…

When you asked me for a dance, took my hand in yours…

I was already on the way to falling for you!

You were everything I wanted…

I thought of you day and night…

At times I thought my heart would burst…

Yes indeed, such was my plight.

I would melt in your arms…

Like clay…

Perfectly content to be there…

All day…

And when we were apart…

I’d pine for when we would meet next…

I could feel the pain in my chest…

Till I’d see your ‘I’m back!’ text…

Love like that…sets you on fire…

Makes you silly, forget all reason…

You are lucky if you have it for life…

Or even a season…


If you’ve never felt like you’ve been hit by lightening then you have missed out.

Peace out,

Ladyhawk


 

 

 

 

 

 

You Loved Me , Not

You said that you must leave,

So I let you go…

I watched you pack and walk out of my house…

Helpless, I stood at the door…

As your footsteps faded…I walked towards my window..

To see if you’d turn to look at me…

Hoping that you’d change your mind..

Once you saw that you meant the world to me…

But you didn’t…

You drove away without a glance…

I ran downstairs, hoping for God knows what…

Maybe that you’d give me a second chance.

You called me later that night,

Asking if we could be friends…

If I was all right…

But I knew this is how our story ends…

You came into my life like a whirlwind…

You were always on my mind…

And now that you have gone for ever…

I shouldn’t keep trying to rewind…

Replay all the moments we shared…

But what’s the point when I forgot…

I loved you!

But you loved me not…

 

 

 

 

 

I Will Remember

I’ll never forget you, my dear…

Of this, have no fear…

Others may drown their sorrow in wine…

Here you’ll be immortalized in prose and rhyme…

Others may need photographs and keepsakes…

On material things I no longer fixate…

For time cannot erase how much to me you meant…

And every single tender moment that was spent…

Frolicking between sheets, breakfast in bed…

All the confessions and what was left unsaid…

Your hair between my fingers, your hands entwined with mine…

The way you made heads turn ‘cos boy you were so damn fine…

I’ll miss those cosy dinners and nights at the bar,

Picnics, quiet times together driving in your car…

The way I quivered every time you held me close…

Made me feel things of which no one else knows…

And then…when you left, the bleeding heart ache…

As if through it you’d driven a stake…

Yes, you are no longer here…You are no longer mine…

But through my words the memory of you will shine…

 

………………..

Fall in love with a writer but beware. Shades of you will echo in how she would write about love and so, you will live on, in a distant corner of her heart and mind.